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[17 Feb 2006|10:29pm]
The boy is 6 months now. It's been 3 months since my last entry. The time is flying fast yet slowly. He seems to be growing up so quick yet it seems a lifetime since christmas. He is amazing. This is the most amazing thing I've ever done. Waking up in the morning is wonderful, knowing that I'm going to spend the day with him. Obviously it's not all a breeze, it's hard work of course. But fantastic in the main...

After months of worrying about returning to work and worrying about how I was going to spend time with him, and after being suggested many times by Eve, we have decided to relocate out of London. More specifically up north, back where I'm from, Scunthorpe area... It's a relief really. So many of my worries were tied up with being here. Work, money, mortgage, children, schools etc etc....

more later...
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[11 Nov 2005|04:59pm]
oh my god. What can I say??? We had our baby on 16th August. A boy, Jude. 8lb 5oz. Delivered by emergency caesarean... a disaster all round. He's 3 months now and perfect. I can hear him 'talking' to Evelet in the next room. I wish I'd be on line to document the aftermath, although I probably wouldn't have found the time... Hopefully will be back on line soon...
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[11 Jul 2005|12:45pm]
[ mood | panicked ]

this is the beginning of my last week at work. I only wish I had stopped earlier. Not because I'm knackered (although I am) or suffering physically. To be honest, once I get to work I'm fine, I'm more comfortable sitting at my desk than I am anywhere at home, the office is air conditioned. No, the reason why I wish I'd stopped sooner is that, all of a sudden, I have gone mad. Forgetful. I'm making stoopid mistakes. Things are taking 4 times as long. I feel a weight of responsibility on my shoulders to tidy everything up, handover effectively...wish I didn't. And, I found out last week, the girl I'm handing half my job to is handing in her notice tomorrow. Which actually pisses me off. I think it's pretty shoddy that she knew all about this yet sat in a meeting with our manager last week and agreed to take on the bits of my job he'd decided she should do. Her shoddiness has cost him 4 days, 4 days in finding some replacement. I'm sure this is going to impact on me because I will no longer be able to handover to her...it's a nightmare that I'm trying not to think about.

The babyshower was good. It was so nice to see all my friends and to have all the attention. It was nice that everyone thought I looked so well, and in fact I FELT so well. Too many asked about after my leave though and I feel disapproved of for having plans to return full-time...trouble is, I actually DON'T have a choice. It's not about quality of life, it's about eating. Me and Eve could get by on the minimum, I know we could, we don't need anything fancy. And, I would do anything to be a stay at home mum. Unfortunately, neither of us earns enough to cover the basics. So now, I feel all disapproved of and miserable and to top that, I don't know how I will cope having to wave goodbye to Eve every morning knowing she will be gone the whole day, worrying about whether there are going to be more bombs or god knows what.

I'm generally just freaking.

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[27 Jun 2005|02:57pm]
I had THE most unbelieveably painful cramps last night. In my legs, both of them. In my calves and down the front too (which I have never even experienced before). In fact no sooner had the cramp gone, I bent my foot and it instantly returned... so then I couldn't relax, kept thinking I was going to cramp again, and what was I going to do to avoid it...blah blah. This morning my legs are all sore, they feel tired anyway. And, I think I'm coming down with a cold.

Yesterday I was all snotty and sneezy. This morning my nose is sore from blowing it. At any other time in the month I would have taken today off. It's bollox that I'm in a job where there are certain times when I cannot not be here.

So yeah, I feel like shit, was hoping for an early night but looks like today is gonna drag.

On a more positive note, we swapped cars with Evelet's parents at the weekend. We spent a good couple of hours cleaning it out so that went some way to making it feel like ours. It really is a very nice car, WAY more than we need, and WAY more than we can afford to run but also way less than buying a new one right now. So I'm supremely grateful for that. Just need to get used to driving it.

As we were leaving the house this morning, and I felt like I was being punished for something I felt so rank, this van drove up and delivered our pushchair/carrycot!!! So exciting!!! but, we were running late so havent' had chance to look at it yet. We'll have to have a play with it tonight. Such a relief it came, we were expecting to miss it and to have to collect it from the depot, which would have been a complete pain.

I'm not going to yoga tonight. I've taken the executive decision to not go. I'm knackered, feel crap, and my legs are like jelly - I think I have the right not to go, even though I have paid already... hoping to do some gentle sorting out with Evelet whih has promised to leave work at a reasonable time if I do the same and don't go to yoga. I've also got NCT class tomorrow 10-12 so I have to miss work...got a load a getting ahead to do if that's going to be possible at all. I hope I can go.
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[23 Jun 2005|04:56pm]
Work is not so bad this week. To be honest I think I've stopped caring. It is SO hot and I am SO tired that I probably shouldn't be here. I'm certainly not operating at 100%.

Had a lovely few days off, was so nice not to be at work. We went to look round a nursery. It was very nice, much nicer than I thought it would be considering how much cheaper it is that the other one, and it really set my mind at rest. I hadn't realised how worried I'd been about having no choice about it all, I think in my head I'd already written it off...so that was good to do.

So, our few days away were both lovely and tragic. It was lovely to spend so much time with Eve and only Eve with no-one else around. It was lovely to swim with her in the sea, floating about, feeling so in love. Then tragic because she lost her ring. In the sea. The ring I gave her...And, I felt so bad about it all and somehow responsible and upset and shaken. That I didn't comfort her straight away was awful. Truly awful. I mean, it IS replaceable. It is NOT the end of the world. Why I felt so shaken and upset is anyone's guess but probably down to the hormones I guess. Even writing this is making my eyes all prickly. I know it's the pregnancy and all the hormones, it must be but...it all feels so real despite what I keep trying to tell myself. Then on Sunday and Monday I felt so panicky about having to come back to work on Tuesday, about having to survive days without Eve again. I don't know what's happening to me...because I'm here now, at work, and I'm fine. The world has not ended. But, for a few days there, I just didn't know how I was going to cope.

But, I feel better now. Much better. We still have the receipt for the rings (yes, even after 3 years). i.e. it'll be easy peasy to reorder a new one, exactly the same as the old one, same type, same shape, same size. The sooner we get it the better I think. It's even worse in a way since I'm not wearing mine at the moment. My fingers are far too podgy for rings...

What else? nothing much new. I'm getting from one day to the next, not thinking about anything, seemingly not getting anything done. All the disorganisation in the house will be addressed when I'm off work, I'm saving everything until then.

I have a very bad feeling that I will have noone to handover to and will be working full pelt up to my last day... no nice relaxing last day for me, no leisurely clearing my desk or my filing...

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[15 Jun 2005|09:48am]
yep, am tired

but, today is my last day until Tuesday next week!! Unfortunately, I just figured out I'm going to have to arrange someone to cover, and I only have this morning to do it because I'm leaving after lunch for an antenatal appointment. Hope the midwife is a nice one today, the one I saw last time was a bit horrid. Well, not horrid as such, that's not fair. She was just...not as nice as the others I've met. But, she did tell me about the floradix which is supposed to replenish my iron WITHOUT bunging up my bottom. It's definitely not bunging me up which is a start but I'm not sure about my iron. I'm pretty sure I was supposed to have a blood test at some point but the midwife normally gives you a card when you have one due...maybe that's what I'll get today. At least then I can get up early tomorrow and get it done straight away if I need to. But, mainly, apart from feeling tired (which is to be expected I'm sure), I'm good. Feeling healthy and well. Need more sleep which I'm planning on catching up on this weekend.

So, so, on with the day...
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[13 Jun 2005|04:58pm]
Every time I come here to post, I think "how am I feeling today?" and everytime the answer is "tired". And, I am tired today. Maybe, going forward I should just assume that tiredness is a given and plod on with the more intersting stuff...

Left work early on Friday to pick up the car. It was in for its MOT (which it passed!). Took the opportunity to tidy the front of the house, trimmed the hedge, picked the weeds etc.. it looks super SUPER neat now.

Saturday we went to buy a car and didn't. In fact I was pretty sure when we set off that our hearts just weren't in it. Still, we headed out to Woolwich to find some garage we had found before realising that we only have a mini A-Z and it stops practically where our house is and doesn't cover anything further out i.e. we had NO idea where this place was. Regardless, we plodded on, knowing full well the chances of us finding this place were slim to nothing. Ended up driving out through Thamesmead and on and on forever. Or at least until we hit the M25 at which point, we joined in with the rest of the traffic and went through the tunnel - ended up, as we always do, in Thurrock, at Lakeside!. At least this time we didn't go to Mothercare (they're starting to recognise us in there!). Instead, we went to Carland...strange place, big indoor car supermarket...but, like I said, our hearts weren't in it. Do we *need* a new car? We're not so sure. We do have a car, a cheap car, a reliable car. It is not impossible to fit a roof box, it is not impossible to strap Bean in the back. So "no", I don't think we can justify the expense. So, we came home, went to Sainsburys, bought Autotrader and sat reading it in Starbucks, did the shopping, went home.

Bought a mirror yesterday. It was a good price so Evelet says - I have no idea how much mirrors cost. But it is lovely. I'm gonna have to sort out hanging the thing now...
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[09 Jun 2005|02:31pm]
[ mood | worried ]

I hate this job - I can't wait to finish. I never get a minute to even do my proper job - my boss takes the piss something chronic. NOW he expects me to proof-read stuff for him and yesterday he got me to send him something he was already copied on (cos he couldn't be bothered to look for it) and even then he never looked at it. Then later on he got me to send it again (cos he couldn't be bothered to look for the resend OR the original file). And, just now, OMG, he came round and asked me to print off a copy for him (presumably cos he can't be arsed to find and open any of the 3 emails I sent him). Luckily, my PC had just crashed and he wandered off mumbling to himself - wanker.

Am tired today. Woke up in the night and thought it was nearly getting up time because it was so light outside. In fact, it was only 4.00am. Only realised this after 30 minutes of laying there not being able to fall back asleep. And then, of course, when I realised what time it was and that I *needed* more sleep before getting up time, I found it even more difficult. So, I had a couple of hours up, worrying, then when I got back to sleep I had all these nightmares about buying a car, about being skint.

Now, I just feel panicked on the one hand, stupid about feeling panicked on the other. I can't figure out which is that valid state - panicked or relaxed...maybe I really DO have something to panic about, something that needs some careful thought. Maybe I really do need to look again at our money situation and do something about it. It all feels a bit late now. Or maybe everything is going to be ok...

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[08 Jun 2005|03:35pm]
It's been so long since I posted. Work has been terribly difficult. There were a lot of tears last week. Hopefully it will trail off a bit now, I still have loads to do but it's more of what I usually do, more volume than difficult. I just need to knuckle down and churn it out. They've leased the top 4 floors of the building out, as of 1 July. That means that we're staying here for the moment at least. I mean, there is no need to move to save money, the money we get from the subleasing people will make up the difference. That it a relief in a way. Next relief is that me and my pen seem to be one of the few that have escaped having to move desks... phew! and, of course, the nice thing is that the office will be busy and full and bustling again.

New new lady boss is still stamping her feet and moaning about stuff not working etc etc. It's pissing me off and I'm glad I'm going. It's not our fault but she acts like we organised the infrastructure ourselves...stupid cow.

We started NCT classes, they're good. Evelet got lumped in with the men on the first night and we had to work in 2 teams, pregnant women and men/partners. We are the only lesbian couple. I felt so bad for Eve, I know I would have found it excruciating if tables were turned. So, the first session while good was a bit spoilt because I was worried about Evelet... but last night's was better, it seemed to be less obvious that our situation was any different from anyone elses. We worked in teams again, discussing various things to do with onset of labour - but this time, we were teamed in our respective couples.

My mum was down at the weekend, and it was great to see her. Really great. Felt like I hadn't seen her for ages. In fact, I hadn't since Easter so it HAD been quite a while. She rubbed my tummy and talked to the baby. We went to Mothercare and she bought us a cot mattress and me some clothes. It was just so nice to have her around. We tried to buy a car seat and they won't sell you one unless they personally check it fits to your car. And, seeing as we're getting a new one (maybe) we decided to buy one later. But now, time is running short and it feels like we have so much to do. We decided to buy a new one this weekend!! Now I'm not so sure. The MOT is up on our car so it is going in on Thursday/Friday. Hope it doesn't need anything doing. God. We also have never sent off our driving licences to get the addresses changed, so that it a pain. Anyway, we're going to Cargiant on Saturday, with our driving licences and utility bills and bank statements and deposit money and god knows what else to see what we can get for as little money as possible.


Maybe we'll just manage with the car we've got. It's a scary thing to spend your savings, savings you don't know whether you'll need or not, savings that might have to pay for Bean II...

I don't know.

My belly is big. Things are a lot more uncomfortable now than they were. The baby is beating me up something chronic during the night. But I love it! Cannnot wait for me and Evelet to be a family. Can't wait to go shopping round Sainsburys or got to the park as a family. Can't wait to go on holiday. And, I'm so so looking forward to Xmas. We're going up to Scunny to spend it with my family and I haven't been there for xmas for years so I can't wait. It's going to be a good rest of the year I think.
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[26 May 2005|04:47pm]

lost my entry. It's this bloody company, having to authenticate every time to go to an external website....keeps timing out. Anyway, in summary

1) I began with a brief description of my horrible journey in this morning and how Bean keep booting my in the bladder then went on to

2) Moan about how I started the entry 5 years ago and wasn't able to finish it because people kept bugging me and trying to get me to do work! no less! in the office?! then I was talking about

3) Evelet's M&D coming to help us move the cot tonight and how Evelet's mum offered to swap cars with us and I was freaking out about the decision because a) it's massive and we live 5 mins from footie ground with no parking restrictions i.e. it's difficult to park on plenty of occasions and b) it's a gas guzzler and c) I'm reluctant to give up our present car that has proven reliability, proven cheap maintenance costs and only has 500K miles on the clock. What we really need is a hatchback with a slightly bigger boot and 5 doors instead of 3 and I've been trying to work out if we can afford to buy one.

4) We have savings. But we need to pay the mortgage while I'm not earning on Mat Leave. And we need to pay for Bean II. And, I have not much idea how much savings we're going to need. How much does it cost for me to be home with the baby? Will I be spending much? Am I conservative in my estimates?

5) Prepared these budgets this morning, all different scenarios: current, me on half pay (for portion of Mat leave), me on no pay (for portion of Mat leave), me back at work but paying nursery fees, both of us on reduced pay (through teaching or parttime jobs whatever)....it's all scary.

6) I recognised the fact that I panic about money - is that the first step to a full recovery? But, really, should we have waited to have children? Our major drain is the mortgage and that lasts for another 29.5 years. I'd be drawing my (crap) pension by then...god knows, I feel like I'm going round in circles the whole time. Maybe I should chill out and just think that things will (probably) be ok, that everything will turn out ok...

we need to change our lifestyles to make them more family friendly.

still petrified
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[25 May 2005|02:39pm]
OMG, today I feel like I'm laying backwards over a barrel. And, if I lean forwards, I squish my belly. What it is to be pregnant eh?

Just had a REALLY horrible call, with some SUPER scary americans...luckily they all got involved in a big fight amongst themselves and I only had to talk for a few minutes. But still, the build up was horrific and I've been all stressed all day.

Going out tonight with the 2 remaining gay people here. Well, there is a 3rd but he's always travelling. Eve's gonna join us (I hope). I'm feeling tired.

What else? oh yeah. on this call, the baby was going *mental*, having a disco or something!! Had to keep myself from chuckling.

*yawn* am tired...
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still tired.... [23 May 2005|11:49am]
[ mood | tired ]

...despite just having a weekend, I'm still knackered. What is it about getting up in the morning on a work day? I could have fallen asleep on Evelet's shoulder on the tube this morning. And now I'm here, in the office, I can't be bothered to do any work at all...add to that my boss is on holiday and left a load more extra stuff for me to cover in his absence. He is SUCH a slippery bugger. I'm CERTAIN he didn't forget about these things - he just thought it would be easier to give me a couple of jobs then drop the rest via email, so I can't protest....or so he thinks.

I'm going to have my lunch, go to JLewis with David, pay Evelet's cheque in at the bank, then go home. I am buggered if I'm gonna be working full days this week considering that, thanks to my wanky boss, I'm gonna have to be working like an idiot next week.

Am I being unreasonable? Should I expect him to do me favours? Considering I'm pregnant and everything? I can't figure it out. I don't WANT special treatment, I don't WANT to not pull my weight. I'm quite happy to get on with my job, no help. It's all the extra stuff that I'm finding it hard to cope with. Well, not just cope with, I'm sure I'll do the work fine. It's just extra - work and stress. I'm finding it hard not to get angry when I think about the fact that I'm pregnant, that he tells me I need to take it easy, that he asks how I am and I tell him "tired", that there are 2 other people in this team that he could have spread the work between...the buck doesn't HAVE to end with me...he's probably not doing it on purpose, it probably never even occurred to him but... I'm feeling undersupported at a time when I do actually need to be just left to get on with my own work. I am 100% fit for the job, MY job and the only solution I can see is to go on Mat leave earlier than planned. But then, I don't see why I should when I am capable and able and fit to fulfill my contracted hours, contracted role.


All I ever seem to do is moan about work these days. Maybe because that's where I always am when I update. Maybe.

Anyhoo, had a nice weekend. Friday - had dinner with some TTC lesbians. Went well, they're a really nice couple, hilarious and I think a lot like us; been together a while, professional, etc... Saturday - weird weather but nice. All sunny but with rain on and off. Warm rain. We took the bus to Greenwich and had a civilised lunch in Cafe Rouge then a walk around the market. B came round on Saturday night, it was her 30th. She's all depressed, cancelled her bday dinner in St Albans and came to us instead. We bought microwave curry, crisps and icecream from Sainsbury's and watched Eurovision. Food was great, the competition was rubbish. All the songs have gone eatern flavourtastic and all the voting was crap. Sunday - spent the morning having breakfast, chatting and watching music videos, then we took B back to St A. We got back to Londres about 7.30, drove around for a bit looking for a chippie, then got cod and chips twice to take home which we ate in front of the telly. Lovely.

I can't wait for this baby to be born. I'm starting to get very excited now. It feels like we've waited so long for this to come - I still can't believe it's real sometimes. I am looking forward to NCT classes, still doing my yoga, and we're planning on going to the active birth class in June. I'm really looking forward to the labour, to starting it, to living through it, to experiencing it, but most of all, to meeting our child. This child who is beating me severely from the inside out. Who won't let me forget s/he's there. I just can't imagine what it will be like for it to exist and another person, outside my belly. I feel so lucky and so in love and so lucky. Sometimes it feels like someone cannot be this lucky, I'm still very needy and at times convinced it's all going to go wrong. I'm having horrid, vivid dreams. Last night I dreamt we lost the baby, in graphic detail. Then I dreamt I was driving round New York looking for Evelet and every time I was going in the right direction, something came in my path. Like a cliff one time, then there was this sea and there was noone around and no ferry to take me across. I know they're just anxiety dreams but I end up waking up all sad and panicked and it takes a while to snap around. And of course, each time I wake I need a wee so I'm thinking about the dream longer than I would if I just turned over and went back to sleep - because I have to get out of bed, put the light on, walk to the bathroom etc...

Have forgotten my watch and ring today. My hands feel all naked...

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[19 May 2005|02:59pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

My boss is going on holiday for 2 weeks. I am expected to cover his work. I am pregnant. I am anaemic. I am knackered. I have twice as much work as David. I want to be off sick. I want to catch up on my sleep.

Christ, I want a day off.

I am soooo pissed off right now. The thought of having no leeway, no flexibility, the thought of not being able to take a day off, to maybe work a half day, to maybe even leave a hour early...the thought of all that, for the next 2 weeks....feel like crying

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[19 May 2005|11:12am]
[ mood | tired ]

I went to see the midwife yesterday. I had keytones (sp?) in my wee again - she said it was because I wasn't drinking enough fluid. I need to have 3 litres a day apparently and I'm pretty certain I've been drinking no where near that amount. So I had lots of water last night - actually, I had about 3 glasses but that's a lot for me. This morning I had glass with my breakfast and I've had 3 already at work. But now, I'm having a cup of tea.

I also had my blood tests done on Monday and Evelet came with me (thank god). I get myself in such a state about them, I'm such a baby. They're majorly understaffed at the hospital so in addition to having a really long wait to have blood done, they also have a really packed waiting room which is really claustrophobically horrible to sit in, especially if you're pregnant and not generally comfortable sitting anyway...So, they finally called my name and they took my blood and it was all fairly straightforward. I don't know why I work myself up so. I do feel queasy afterwards and that it a horrible feeling and one that I dread. Maybe that's it. Just the dread of the aftermath. God knows how I'm gonna cope with the birth. Although, given the choice, I'd rather be going into labour right now than going for another blood test. They also have these special chairs you have to sit in with arm rests. They're raised off the floor too, look like torture chairs. It's awful to have your feet dangling when you feel lightheaded. You'd think someone would have thought of that in the design. To put in a footrest or something. This time, straight after he took the needle out, I shuffled forward and put my feet on the floor. I'm sure this helped but they still tell you to stay where you are....blah blah...

Anyhoo, amazingly enough, my results were available yesterday at my midwife appt. She went to get them and when she came back asked me if I'd been feeling tired. Well, of course I do, I'm pregnant. Aren't I supposed to be feeling tired? Well, anyway, my haemoglobin (sp?) is too low and she said it's only likely to go down from there if left unchecked. So, THAT's why I feel tired. Or at least partly why. I'm not sleeping enough too. Anyway, I've got to have iron supplements and eat more red meat and stuff like that. But, I almost wish she hadn't said - maybe it's psychosomatic (sp?) but I feel more tired today than I did yesterday. Like before, when I thought it was a normal level of tiredness, I was better able to cope with it. Now it seems heavy...and my boss is on holiday next week and is leaving a load of stuff my way. I really don't want to have to have any conversations with the new VP (the power bitch from hell) because I know they'll be confrontational. It's going to be enough for me to get my own work done. And, I really wanted to work some short days next week.....

The baby is still moving loads. And now, REALLY moving. I know it's going to get even more furious as the months go by. It still feels strange that the movements I feel are our baby. Or any baby. Rather than some symptom of pregnancy that's not connected to the actual baby. We bought some drawers and changing table for the baby's room at the weekend. Evelet wanted a table so she can have some bonding time, changing the baby. It's not pleasant messing around on the floor or a bed so I was happy to oblige. And, it's a nice table. Worked out cheaper than buying an attachment for the drawers or an over-the-cot one. We still need to sort out the shelves in the baby room. Get them cleared and moved so we can put the drawers together.

Our friends had their baby at the weekend. It seems so scary and real. Can't believe that's it for them. The baby's not going to go away. Ever. It'll be real for us too soon. Seems far away and very close at the same time. Far away because I feel unprepared for the actual birth, for the labour and near because, well, it IS near. It's only 12 weeks or something. Our NCT classes start in a fortnight and I'm really looking forward to those. Getting prepared, I'm sure I'll feel better about it after I've started the course. And we're going to do active birth at some point too.

Still sleeping like a log, but waking 3 times in the night for the loo. I never used to wake ever. It's funny coming back after wees and seeing Eve asleep. I don't think I've seen her asleep much recently - since she started working and stopped being a student....she's normally the one up in the night and the one who gets up first. So, yeah, it is funny. I'm still finding it nearly impossible to get up in the mornings. Feels like it's the middle of the night at 7.30.... it's really not a pleasant time for me.

We're going out for lunch today - boss is 50! Some turkish restaurant, but it will be nice to escape from the office for a while... got some horrible deadlines tomorrow. I should really make a start today. Maybe I'll take a look this afternoon.

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[12 May 2005|04:35pm]
I am so tired. Really. Dead on my feet. I have a stack of work to do here and I've got to babysit tonight. My sister hasn't told the kids I'm coming. Why does that annoy me? Maybe it's more to do with the fact that she hasn't told then she's NOT coming (home that is). And, it takes an hour to put them to bed. An hour!! I am so fucking tired.

Was knackered last night, then had a disrupted night's sleep. Thought I was going to fall asleep on the bus. Actually, I could fall asleep at my desk. I really want to stay at home tomorrow but I have a forecast to do that needs to be done and reviewed with my manager by 12 tomorrow. And, I can't do it earlier. And, I'm only doing that job because it was transferred to me to relieve some of David's pressure. The pressure he was under LAST year, when he had a whole other job to do. Meanwhile, they got someone in to do that job and he's left with less than me even without counting this stupid asset forecast bollox. So, I have more work, then this on top. It shouldn't bother me but it does. Every month when I should be catching up, doing my ACTUAL job, I'm still tied up with helping out with my boss's stuff. Got in this morning and there was a stack of other stuff to do. Stuff that he used to ask someone else to do. My problem is, is that I do it without arguing and, more importantly, get it right. So he always asks again.

And Eve is unhappy. She is trapped in her job, we are trapped by our circumstance. We can't even afford a new car so everything to do with the baby has to be worked around the fact that it needs to fit into the boot. The pushchair, travel cot... I mean, we could buy a car but that would mean having to go back to work before the year is up, maybe even at 6 months....and it doesn't seem worth it....not for a bigger boot. Hopefully when I return to work we can live off my salary for a bit and Eve can retrain. We might just be able to manage. If we use a child minder instead of the nursery and we only pay for child care when Eve is at college. I wonder how many hours she'd have to do?...oh well.

so tired I cried. But. I am seeing Eve again later. She's coming in time to put the kids to bed. So I don't need to babysit on my own. I'll think of a game to play on the way there. Something ace. Something that involves me lying on the sofa... maybe hospitals. And I can be the patient.
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[06 May 2005|04:31pm]
I've been ill this week. Twice at bedtime I have had very horrible painful pain in my stomach, feeling sick then being sick. Then, eventually, when I'm almost at the end of my tether, when I've been thoroughly drained by the nausea, the retching, the discomfort, I am sick again. Oh, and I have diarrhea... and, all of a sudden, I'm fine again.

but of course, this process all takes time. time away from my sleep. And I am knackered. I feel like I have such a lot to do. And such a lot that I'm not getting done. Because, I'm not actually doing anything.

I haven't done anything for the baby's room. I haven't sorted my clothes. I haven't sorted the kitchen. I haven't signed the forms for our life insurance and sent them back. And, I haven't filled in the maternity forms for work. And, I'm pretty sure there's a deadline there - a deadline I have missed.

Work has been awful. This new woman, this new regional VP is wanting to stamp her mark on things, understandably. Workload has increased.... I'm not really bothered as such - it feels like I have so little time left here before my mat leave that it doesn't really trouble me. It just irks a bit. That I'm in this position. I understand that in a prefect world, I would know my areas and my forecasts and the business inside out, off the top of my head. But, this is not an ideal world. That would be possible if you were looking after one country. Not 2. This is not something she sees, this fact seems to be invisible to her, or at lease I'm sure it is......So, I am in this position where I am seeming incompetent because our jobs are no longer to know everything inside out. Our jobs changed 2 years ago. We are firefighters now. We tread water, we do what we can to stay afloat to get all the information in on time. Anything else is over and above what we have time for...there used to be 2 people doing my job. Full time. Now there's just me. It irks that these idiots think we should be able to input the same effort twice over. Christ, I can't even remember which country is which sometimes....but the worst is that David only has one area, so he *is* able to deliver. So, what does that make me? How does that make me look?

anyway, enough of the work rant.

My mum is coming soon, beginning June. I can't wait to see her. I was 26 weeks pg yesterday and I can't believe I've only seen her twice in that time. I have so many weekends that are unusable. Weddings and visits and birthdays and looking after nieces... we haven't even been to IKEA yet.

Tired I am. Stayed up (stupidly) until 2 last night, watching the election...can't figure out how that idiot Blair ended up winning again. Honestly, you'd think if any of these anti-war wankers had any courage at all in their convictions they wouldn’t be blindly voting labour, again, like a flock of frickin' sheep. But they did of course....and, you've got to wonder, if x, y, or z are more important than the war anyway then why bother moaning about it all the time, coming down to london to litter the streets under the pretnece of some stupid protest that won't get you anywhere anyway. God, I'm not even anti-war....I'm not even pro-war.... it's a funny world really. People complaining but never doing anything about it. David never even voted. Never has he said. I neve missed a vote...maybe one time I did. Think it was a council election and millwall fans were rioting. Maybe it was the time they played portsmouth in the playoffs...anyway, I'd worked late, gone home and it really wasn't the time to be leaving the flat and traipsing to the polling station. Eve will claim she had to frogmarch me to the poll booth, but that's not strictly true: I'm pretty sure I must have been winding her up about not voting - her being all politcal and everything.

gotta dash, meeting eve at marylebone xx
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[25 Apr 2005|03:09pm]
Work is poo. We have a new regional VP and she is a woman and she is going to try and stamp her mark. Not that being a woman has anything to do with it....they ALL try to mark their arrival. And my boss is such a sucky wanker. Honestly, someone needs to tell him that putting 2 pieces of work in the one file does not make it one piece of work. Turning 1 daily update requirement into 3 is still 3 times the work, even if you have put them neatly and tidily into one execl workbook. Oh, and thrown in a few extra items that need commenting on for good measure....

And David is seriously pissing me off...just because he looks after the UK and all the UK people are here of course, he thinks it's fine for him to stop and talk to them about work every time we go for a coffee or lunch, or anything. Just because I have time to go to the coffee machine, doesn't necessarily mean I have time to stand in the corridor while he discusses work with his UK team that I need to discuss with my Italian team over the phone when we get BACK from coffee. And he's so unhelpful but expects me to drop stuff to help him at a moment's notice. I am GLAD they're taking his car allowance away.

What else?

Feels like the birth is creeping up on us, but on the other hand feels like ages away. It's all unreal. The baby is seriously kicking now. It kicks Eve in the back if we spoon. It's strange to think that is the family - our family - all together. That this is how it's going to be from the birth onwards - Eve, me and the sproglet....I'm still finding it hard to connect the kicks and the huge stomach with the fact that there is a life in there, our son or daughter growing, with little fingers, toes, etc....Really difficult for me to make that connection yet. Even going for the last scan didn't do it for me...the picture on the screen didn't seem like it could possibly be inside me..

Maybe it will all connect more as we get more and more busy with the classes and birth plans etc. Up to now, I've only had 2 appts with the midwife during which we haven't really discussed the birth, and some yoga pregnancy classes.. oh, and we've hired the doula but everything is very sketchy at this stage. We have NCT starting at end of May so I'm sure things will become very real then. And we have the second doula meeting in July, and an active birth class in June or July. Maybe that's why I don't feel engaged with this pregnancy; because I am so unprepared, or at least I feel unprepared. When I used to think about being pregnant, I always assumed I would know exactly what I was doing by this stage, exactly what the plan is. what am I? 25 weeks? I have ages left I know...I think I just assumed it would be different somehow.

Anyway. I do love being pregnant - despite the complaining tone of my post, of all my posts probably. I hope I'm savouring it enough. Sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting. Wasting my days. Doing enough, the minimum, to get from one to another. This is probably, partly why the house has descended into the next stage of chaos/disorganisation. Sure, it's clean and tidy but there's a lot of sorting that needs doing. There are so many things I know are in the house, but have no idea where. And all of a sudden, we've been there for 6+ months and there a still a couple of boxes left over from the move still to be unpacked. We still have a cupboard full of tuppawares where the lids don't match the bottoms - what is the point of that? I should just throw them away.

Yoga tonight. Starts at 7.30pm and I'm knackered already. Always have the dilemma of whether to bother going home first. I never have done, but it's a very long day, especially when all you want to do it get out of the damn office...and the train is the same train I take to get home. Last week I got the bus all the way. From right outside my office all the way to Deptford. It was a nice way to do it, or at least would have been if one was not pregnant. 90 minutes is a long time to be sitting in one spot, with an aching back.. so I guess I'll get the train this week...

maybe I will go home early. At least then I could take my own pillow.. and the birthing/exercise ball.. *yawn*

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I fecking hate computers [25 Apr 2005|02:37pm]
spend ages writing an update then everything went wrong with this stupid AP workflow system they have here which unfortunately happens to run in IE and I lost the bloody lot.

what is the point?

lemme recap:

loads of stuff needs doing in the house
backlog of washing
kitchen need sorting
papers need filing
baby room needs doing
we need to get broadband if I'm going to work from home ever

I can't be bothered.
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[13 Apr 2005|07:47pm]
[ mood | overworked ]

So, I keep thinking that I'm going to be more organised at work. Try and do my job in 9-5 hours like I *should* be able to... trouble is, I'm not sure it's possible. And, while I am in a position to be able to pretty much choose my hours and to go home when I want, it doesn't seem to be working out that way. The reason being, this stoopid company that I work for, are convinced that it is a reasonable thing to cut people instead of tasks then people. The tasks of course remain. All that happens is that these get lumbered off on someone else, assigned to one of the poor souls that is left. And, I have to say, unfortunately, the people that are left just end up working more and more hours to get the jobs done, giving up their personal time to do it. Look at me. It's nearly 8pm. This company have stolen from me (yes, stolen) 3 hours of my own, personal, free time.. and what am I doing? God knows. Depserately trying to meet deadlines that were issued today for tomorrow. The short notice being due to the fact that my boss didn't have time to get the work out to us. So, he delays and delays. The buck stops with us however. He doesn't suffer because our deadlines (that he didn't tell us about until today) are fixed..


So, all my protestations about coming back to work and it being fine and me being able to leave at 5 are all starting to look like nonsense. They're piling it on. And, on the one hand I have my boss telling me not to overdo it, on the other I have the same boss telling me there is 'no flexibility in the deadlines' blah blah blah.

And, as much as I don't care about this place, this job, I DO care what people think and I don't want to do a crappy job.....

I *can* do this job in 40 hours. I know I can. It's stoopid bollocks from above that stops that happening. Next week, I am going to prove it. In fact, last week I left at 3 one day and 5 mostly the rest so it *IS* possible...gotta sort myself out.

On the pregnancy front - I am still pregnant. Had the final scan. Everything present and correct. We didn't find out what it was going to be, even though I promised Evelet we could. In the end, I just didn't want to know, and she was happy to go along with that and not find out. And, I'm really glad that I don't know. I don't feel 'ready' to find out....sound stupid? maybe. Baby still moving around a lot. Feels very strange. Still haven't quite connected the big belly, the moving, etc. with the fact that there is a baby inside me. Growing. It doesn't make sense to me yet.

Doing a 'kipper likes to build sand castles' cross stitch.

I am really fucking tired now...Eve's at a lecture, I thought I could meet her after because there didn't seem much point in me going home once it had passed 7.30pm.. but she hasn't called yet.

Think I'll go get on a bus. Have a wee and get on the bus...

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so anyway...... [08 Apr 2005|02:19pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

.....I just keep forgetting to update this. I can never think of anything to write. It doesn't seem like anything happens anymore!! I'm pregnant yes. My belly is getting big yes. I'm hungry all the time, really into beans on toast at the moment.

So, I'm just plodding on, growing a baby. Wondering what it will be, what we will call it. We bought some pictures in IKEA at the weekend. We decided it would be a waste of time and money to redecorate the baby's room seeing as it wasn't long painted when we moved in. And it is a liveable, pale green colour. So, instead, we're gonna put up some pictures, a wall height chart, some mobiles etc etc...oh and I'm going to do a cross stitch. Maybe get a nice pooh one or something. So, we've done that. I think we're getting the cot from my sister this weekend so that'll need putting up (hope it fits in the car)...Also, need to sort out curtains, or at least get a black out blind - the curtains in there now are really see-through.

So, a weird thing about this pregnancy thing is that I'm getting sooo needy. Last Friday we had a fight, well a falling out. I was running late for work, I was having a hard week, had loads on etc etc...anyway, ends up with me storming out the house and to the bus stop where, believe it or not, there was a bus. In about 2 mins!! Unheard of. As we were passing the end of our street, I saw Eve coming down the road and it made me stupidly sad...and I didn't ring the bell in time so I couldn't get off. And I was miserable all day. And every time I thought about it I started to cry. In fact, writing this right now is making my eyes all prickly. What is wrong with me? I was only on the bus, she was only walking down the street. Wasn't like I was never gonna see her again...but still. For the whole weekend, I kept thinking about it and crying. And going past the end of our road made me cry...god knows what I've become.

And, then of course, I worry becasue I'm being needy and it's annoying, so I need reassurance that I'm not being so - which is needy and annoying in itself..

It's a strange, strange thing to be like this... still find it hard to believe that I actually am pregnant.

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